Isolation

I have never felt isolation that I can remember, well actually, I take that back – a lot as a child. However,I am in my fifties now, I have raised five children and they have all gone on to live their own lives. I went to a graduation today, my son’s sweet girlfriend’s.  I felt isolated. I saw people surrounded by friends and family as I sat alone. I came home and next door was a big party for their little graduate. People were having fun and laughing, I could hear them, All of a sudden I felt afraid and wanted to hide. I closed curtains and went up to my room and closed the door. I am not sure what is happening. Maybe I have never had a network of friends, too busy with family, hence the isolation now. I don’t like this feeling, It doesn’t feel healthy and right. I don’t like this fear I have.  I went to  a barbeque yesterday, just to make an appearance, at my husbands request. I know I was expected to kid and harass which is what I do out in the world, but it was hard. I am not sure what is happening with me. I know I am going into another chapter in my life, but the last one ended so abrubtly it has left me gasping for air.  I used to get exasperated by how much my phone rang. It hasn’t for two days. My children are all grown up with their own lives and don’t really need me anymore. Not long ago the phone couldn’t stay quiet for two hours. If this is what getting older is like I don’t like it. I am not sure what to do about it. I just feel very alone (and scared). I am sure I will figure it out eventually, I hope so. 

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