detail

Not much can cheer a girl up more than getting her stang detailed!  80 degrees and a perfect car. Nice drive home from work thanks to my hubby remembering me on mother’s day..

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Isolation

I have never felt isolation that I can remember, well actually, I take that back – a lot as a child. However,I am in my fifties now, I have raised five children and they have all gone on to live their own lives. I went to a graduation today, my son’s sweet girlfriend’s.  I felt isolated. I saw people surrounded by friends and family as I sat alone. I came home and next door was a big party for their little graduate. People were having fun and laughing, I could hear them, All of a sudden I felt afraid and wanted to hide. I closed curtains and went up to my room and closed the door. I am not sure what is happening. Maybe I have never had a network of friends, too busy with family, hence the isolation now. I don’t like this feeling, It doesn’t feel healthy and right. I don’t like this fear I have.  I went to  a barbeque yesterday, just to make an appearance, at my husbands request. I know I was expected to kid and harass which is what I do out in the world, but it was hard. I am not sure what is happening with me. I know I am going into another chapter in my life, but the last one ended so abrubtly it has left me gasping for air.  I used to get exasperated by how much my phone rang. It hasn’t for two days. My children are all grown up with their own lives and don’t really need me anymore. Not long ago the phone couldn’t stay quiet for two hours. If this is what getting older is like I don’t like it. I am not sure what to do about it. I just feel very alone (and scared). I am sure I will figure it out eventually, I hope so. 

Hearing Voices…

There is a voice within me.

I only hear it when I am very still.

When I am not still, I easily get lost in the chaotic hum of the “other” voices. Those outside of my own self. These irritating “other voices” tell me what to do, how to act. At times they even insult me and make me feel less that I am. They cause this girl stress and confusion. Their constant chatter is loud and empty and dishonest.

When I am still, I am real and I am strong. I listen and my wise self speaks to me. It speaks truth and love and it is gentle and deep.

Within me there is a mystical place and I go there in awe of what I will learn. I listen with rapt attention. It is as if I am sitting at the knee of an old and wise grandmother, I feel comfort and love and acceptance in this sacred place.

so, be still, and know…

empty nest

Today i am sad. I shouldn’t be. I don’t want to be. I am alone. It is usually a place i enjoy being but it is getting to be standard fare. My kids have all left the house and it is me and my husband. He isn’t home much at all. For all his complaining, which really isn’t that much, he just can’t say no to people (not to mention he is a talker) which keeps him busy everywhere but here. Consequently his absence. It is okay, I want him to be free to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. I just can’t remember being in a lonely place and i must say I don’t like it. Staying busy isn’t helping. I want to enjoy the beauty and the stillness around me but this dark cloud won’t go away. I realize some people suffer with depression often, and so I am grateful that is not me anymore. I am trying to just recognize it is a feeling and that it will pass. I want to look up at the sky and laugh. So, a lot of  written words, a lot of quiet, and no family. My nest is empty and that is how my heart feels today. It is a shadow, it will pass, it is not me. Where is my “middle sister” when I need her. When my daughter moved out with thing one and thing two the laughter went with her. I don’t really know how to laugh alone. My life is good, I don’t really mean to complain. I just needed to release and share. Thanks for listening, if anyone did. If not that is okay because writing is therapeutic for me. Namaste.